Morning Briefing: Portland Edition

Let me tell you, there are several hundred things I would rather be doing than watching the sun rise from the Portland airport, although this is the thing that I have most recently done. Unfortunately, this is all I’m going to get to see of the Rose City. So without further ado, your briefing.

Ta-Nehisi Coates pens a love song of sorts to his days at Howard, U Street, his search for the Real and, finally, Biggie Smalls.

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Poet Mark Irwin talks about the evil word “if.”

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Kevin Stein has a new book coming out.

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The calls start for Dungy’s non-playoff-winning head.

Morning Briefing — It’s Back!

Well hey there! Since it’s 7am out here in Boise, it’s still technically morning out in the real world too, so let’s do some briefing, shall we? I’m up so early because I’m going to hockey practice today, not to play, but to watch a player about whom I’m writing a profile. Go Steelheads!

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Please feel free to go and read this lengthy and substantial story about Boise’s minor league hockey team. Just kidding! It’s like three sentences posted by a high-school intern about last night’s game!

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Speaking of Boise, apparently no one wants to come and see our little Bowl football game between turtles and vandalizers. Well, that’s not technically true. Twenty-four people want to see it.

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This couple is goddless and penniless on Christmas. Let’s face it, who isn’t?

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BSU is desparately looking for conservative voices to print in its student newspaper. So all 19-year old right-wingers, please respond quickly. Because The Onion only publishes once a week and we get so bored around here.

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The best newspaper correction of 2008? We vote for the Badger Herald’s:

Due to a reporting error, the Feb. 7 article “‘Porn Nation’ to present tonight” erroneously cited a pornographic website as the sexual addiction survey. The correct website is www.mysexsurvey.com. We regret the error.

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Boise Airport now has the fastest internets in the fucking world! You have no excuses left not to come see us.

Morning Briefing

Ah ha ha ha ha. Metallica’s Death Magnetic (my review here) has gone platinum. It was the band’s fifth consecutive album to debut at No. 1 on Billboard, breaking a record held by the Beatles, U2, and Dave Matthews Band–which is pretty much the short list of bands I fucking can’t stand.

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In other news of bands I can stand–and in fact love–Wilco is working on its new album.

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BREAKING: The Onion predicted this Joe the Plumber bullshit way back when Nirvana wasn’t classic rock.

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Winning the youth vote: McCain campaign kicking out college-y types from its rallies.

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Everyone who was 13 years old in, like 1993, will want to read this interview with the creator of NBA Jam.

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Turns out those absinence pledges work … if nobody takes ‘em.

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Please refrain from dressing like Sarah Palin tonight because it’s dumb. Thanks.

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Salon’s Andrew O’Hehir has your list of the 10 scariest movies ever, and then his list of the 10 scariest movies you’ll probably never watch but should know enough about to discuss them with people whom you’ll want to convince that you did, in fact, watch them instead of Dancing with the Stars.

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MTV now has ever music video ever on its new website except videos made by Black folks pre-1991ish because MTV was unaware that videos such as these exsisted sorry about that.

Morning Briefing

“Saying Obama will “rob” you of your healthcare isn’t as racist as saying he’ll rob you of your healthcare when you just have to go into the big, crime-ridden city to buy Christmas presents for your family and get a little lost and end up in one of those neighborhoods where everyone plays loud, strange music and–oh my!–was that person just making a drug deal!” — Marc Ambinder

“Also, putting a “B” in front of “lacks” isn’t very subliminal, John McCain.” — The Colonialist

“Screw you, Mr. Obama, for killing what cynisicm is left in my little black heart and making me cry during your goddamn infommercial.” — Me Watching this Obama spot

“Axl Rose is still kind of a dick, but I’ll listen to his new record that took a million years to make, but only if one of my roadies goes to Best Buy because I don’t go to Main Street, pro-American stores, due to I’m a Jack Daniels-swilling elitest.” — Slash

“In which I will write yet another column about why I hate John McCain and the reasons he will no longer be invited to our Cool Conservative Clubhouse.” — George Will

“Checked your credit card debt lately, pal? Because them little plastics will make good hobo stabbin’ tools if you shave ‘em down just right during the Greatest Depression Ever.” — The New York Times

“My friends, if you’ll just turn your attention from the hole in the ground that use to be your 401(k), you’ll see these big, scary terrorists. Boo! Bogity-bogity!” — John McCain

“Dear liberal elites. Stop being so goddamned scared, you bunch of whinning magots.” — Ta-Nehisi Coates

“We’re voting for the n—–.” — Racists for Obama

Morning Briefing – Woolly Mammoth edition

So I have a meeting this morning and don’t have time to kick around the internets right now so I am giving you a Woolly Mammoth or elephant or something that I may or may not explain later so there:

And in a semi-related note, here is the blog of Greg Oden’s beard.

Morning Briefing

This pumpkin had a McCain bumper sticker on its SUV

Whenever shit hits the fan, everyone turns to Yeats. You know, there are other doomsday poems out there, people.

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None of which were written by William Carlos Williams, though. But he was a bad roommate.

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The Alaska Daily News is in the tank for Obama, obviously. Because they have first-hand Palin experience.

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You know who’s not in the tank for Obama? Amazon, which lists Obama Halloween masks under “Terrorist.”

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And how did the phrase “in the tank” get started anyway? Is it a swimming metaphor? A boxing metaphor? Both?

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Nothing like a second Great Depression to take care of the wealth gap.

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That One is up 8 points in Virginia, where he is out doing both Tim Kaine and Jim Webb in NoVa.

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If I ever have genius, I hope it is seething.

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Sarah Palin imagines a nightmare world if Obama wins. She must have stopped reading every newspaper in the world for the last eight years, because Bush has already taken care of all this.

Morning Briefing

A lady gets on stage in front of hundreds of mortgage bankers and tries to citizen arrest Karl Rove or something (these things never go as planned). Rove avoids all eye contact and gives her an elbow John Salley would be proud of. Here’s the video!

Indy Star columnist Bob Kravitz (aka “Krapvitz” to the wittier commenters) has an imaginary conversation with the comb-over guy from Monday Night Football about why the Colts are so fucking horrible. The Post wonders the same thing.

My friends, John McCain did not spend five and a half years in Vietnam to lose Pennsylvania. John McCain is going to win Pennsylvania, or at least the real, non-communist parts. And here’s how.

Okay, fine. I’ll probably have to read the new Emily Post biography. Yes, that Emily Post. Now just shut up.

Matthew Yglesias makes a noble effort to make any goddamn sense of the last David Brooks column. I thought we had given up doing that.

Bumpy Knuckles is back with a banger.

Sarah Palins spends all her time talking about how she and the rest of the regular, real, working-class, white, Main Streeters haaaaaaate those rich elites who don’t understand what it’s like to be real. And then her John McCain’s campaign gets all pissy when a reporter points out that it spent more than $150K on Main Streeter Supreme Sara Palin’s clothes at stores that ARE NOT ON MAIN STREET!

And now a word from Andrew Sullivan, a conservative living in the fake part of American who is clearly not real: “If you want a commander-in-chief who will make vital decisions at the last minute, on impulse, according purely to polls and electoral tactics, against his own judgment and deferring to Rovian hacks: vote for McCain. He’s George W. Bush, without the prudence and caution.”

Morning Briefing

Former General and Republican Secretary of State Colin Powell endorses Obama. The video above is a must-watch.

Of course, he only endorsed him because he’s black and racist, something that these Free Republic comments clearly know a little something about. Best comment? “As a white blues guitarist here in NY City I too have seen reversed racism.”

Then there’s this guy and his misspelled Obama lynching ghost.

Did anybody ever listen to Jim Cramer?

Farhad Manjoo has 18 things for you computer that we jackasses probably aren’t using. Except iTunes, which we probably are. So make it 17.

When the newspaper in College Station, Texas, — a.k.a. Berlin on the Brazos” — endorses Obama, you begin to wonder if this Palin thing might have just been a mistake.

And then the Idaho Statesman endorses Obama. Just goes to show you what we all know–conservative newspapers are in the tank for Obama.

There is wisdom. And then there is Iggy Pop’s wisdom: “I do a little vacuuming, a little bleeding.”

Morning Briefing

Warren Buffett in the NYT: “I am not related to Jimmy.  Oh, and buy stock, dummies.”

Jeff Weiss thinks you’re going to hate Kayne’s new record. But my girl likes it. And that’s all you need to know.

Space in the tank that is for Barack Obama must be getting tight with the WaPo now jumping in there.

William Gibson predicts a Palin/Plumber ticket in 2012, along with the end of the world. But what does that guy know?

Joan Didion just  wrote something. That means you should read it.

ACORN is tearing up the fabric of our democracy, which is crazy because who knew that shit was made of fabric? If I were to build a democracy, I’d use oak or titanium or Deuce McAllister or something. But not fabric.

The Republican National Senatorial Committee kisses Colorado bye-bye.

Oh, hey! Remember when everybody got pissed because the White house fired a bunch of US Attorneys? Remember why they got fired? Because they wouldn’t prosecute bullshit voter fraud claims? Maybe that has something to do with the ACORN thing we’ve been hearing about.

Morning Briefing

I bet this guy wishes he had paid a little extra for that graphic designer.

Call of Duty – get off your lazy ass and vote.

Who is this “Bradley” and what is he affecting and why is Obama reversing that shit?

Um, maybe somebody wants to tell Gov. Crist — who apparently missed the last GOP conference call — that we’re supposed to be screaming VOTER FRAUD right up to the time we loss our asses off. Sheeze.

What is this “ground game” and why does Obama have like one million interns playing with computers at 8am in Kentucky?

God bless Matt Taibbi for being the angry, articulate man he is.

McCain finally got some laughs last night. Just not when he was cracking jokes, unfortunately for him.

Morning Briefing, a.k.a. somewhere other than here

Today I’d like to take the opportunity to introduce you to some of the blogs I check out every day, links for which you see along the right side of the site. This opportunity presented itself when all the shit that I usually read in the morning bored me today. Hopefully the media will have its act together tomorrow. (I’m looking at you, Slate.)

Bookslut - Equal parts books and snark.

Planet Money – Equal parts earnestness and apocalypse.

Passion of the Weiss – Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about mid-90s hip-hip, (occasionally) broken down in list form.

Wonkette – Home to D.C. dumbassery and funny image roll-over text.

Ryan Call - He keeps it concise. I respect that.

The Books Blog, Esquire – Occasionally interesting when not promoting its own contributors.

xkdc – A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. [See above]

Morning Briefing

Good morning! You now own banks. Don’t be afraid to demand that the teller grab you a cup of coffee. Socialism is going kick ass.

Bookninja has a contest that just got won (see above).

What’s the difference between Obama and Osama? Like totally nothing, says Virginia GOP head. 

Read this new poem. It reminds me of this old poem. Which I love. And which I wrote about here. 

Thanks Sarah Palin for being such a frightening jackass that Hillary voters are now afraid of John McCain and love that guy who they say was kinda mean to Hillary who they loved all along.

The New York Times is totally in the tank for Obama which means it has to start asking questions about that lunatic that somehow got an hour on Fox News to say that Obama is for real a Muslim socialist slash Godless liberal who will probably make your wife dress all burka-like before he steals her and then socializes, like, nine banks the rest of the economy.

Fuck Hank Williams, Jr. I’m never going to start listening to your shitty elitist music now. And no, I’m not ready for some football.

McCain-Palin campaign drawing thousands of evolutionary-challenged voters.

Morning Briefing

Despite a heroic effort by the McPalin campaign, the Alaska Legislature–which is clearly a terrorist and who probably attends a church with a crazy, Black, America-hating preacher–will release its report on Troopergate today.

McCain may need to check whether his Mortgage Surge to Save The World is even legal under the bill that he single-handledly almost-not-quite cancelled a debate to pass even though his chief financial adviser hates it. Did we mention he’s some kind of war hero?

Some guy listened to Bob Dylan and decided that the government sucked. Then he decided to be a teacher and Chicago’s Man of the Year and this is why we can’t let Barack Obama be the president.

Joe Biden calls McCain a coward. But he does it all politicany. 

Now is not the time for jokes like this. Why do economists hate America?

I was all excited to go see Sarah Vowell last night until I realized I was tired and she was far away like almost in Maryland and I don’t do fun stuff anyhow except read interviews on blogs.

But maybe some fat kids went to see her, and for that Sarah Vowell is a patriot.

McPalin’s rallies are getting ugly and uglier. It’s a good thing that most of those people are too fat to goose step for more than three minutes. Maybe they should read more books.

Morning Briefing

Some people think McCain’s Mortgage Surge To Save the Country’s Economy Plan is a really, really bad idea. But what do they know? They’re just economists who use terms like “moral hazard” which are elite due to I don’t know what that means.

Oh wait. McCain has a new plan now. Obviously he meant to talk about this plan in the debate and the media, moderator, Democrats, and audience have Alzheimer’s and not him.

Conservative typer George Will thinks about the Orioles for a minute and then wonders if McCain’s campaign has been some kind of practical joke up to this point.

Taxpayers to Wall Street bankers: “I drink your milkshake!“

McCain likes to gamble at casinos with house money and lobbyists. Obama likes to gamble with his campaign strategy. 

Obama is the face of the New World Order, according to some nutbag in Indiana. Invest in Ameros.

McCain has now successfully pissed of nearly half of the world’s musicans by associating their halfway shitty songs with his really shitty campaign.

The A-11 offense has been done before … by women.

Morning briefing

The GOP is in trouble in VA. 

al Qaeda may be in trouble in Afganistan.

Joe Klein is embarrassed for John McCain.

Obama makes the race about McCain’s record.

The GOP has already started putting country first.

But it doesn’t matter, because the race is over.

Troopergate is back on.